The Lift
The ride up to Smithsburg, MD for me is always filled with the anticipation of fun times and good energy. In large part because it means I’m going to visit my dear friends Sarah Polzin and David Gibney who offer both. Last Saturday began that way. I’ve happily made the trip numerous times. David was holding a reception in Hagerstown for a wonderful new body of art work that I’ve had the pleasure to see evolve over many years. We have been good friends on our shared art journey for over three decades now, which has naturally included many life journeys: through losses, new relationships, new body parts, deaths, divorces, marriages, and many joys and adventures intermixed. While we both have had our struggles, we’ve become trusted supports for each other along the way, which is its own very special joy. I’ve always loved David’s attitude: embracing challenges, courageously forging ahead even when things don’t go as hoped, always assisting others, and trying to savor the best in each moment. I love him, and for years we’ve ended all communication telling each other so, and truly meaning it. It pains me to consider some avoid this word or have come to fear this emotion.
After smoothly cruising 233 miles, as I pulled within two miles of their home, my warning lights on my 20 year old Volvo declared “Transmission needs servicing.” Not happy news. When we sorted out the code the following day it was clear the car’s tranny was dying and I needed a tow to a mechanic. After a lengthy AAA wait, a fellow named Barry (changed his name here out of respect) arrived and was apologetic for the delay, his previous tow was apparently “a nightmare.” I had nowhere to go, as Sarah & David’s beautiful home is a sort of artist’s idyllic dream space, so I was fine. I hopped into his truck’s cab once the old Volvo was on the rollback and we headed on the 30 minute trek to the mechanic.
I innocently asked Barry where he was from; for the next half hour his unexpected gift to me unfolded. “Oh—I’m from here but only been back two months. I was in Fl. You see,” (perhaps sensing I was really listening and interested) “the thing is my 28 year marriage ended two years ago. Nothing I could do to stop it. I tried. It killed me. So I decided I had to get away for a bit. See, I’m a trucker and heard there was work in FL so I went. Didn’t even know anyone where I settled, but I knew I could get work. Done it for decades.”
I was in the 7-11 and this lady was blocking the Slurpee machine, taking up all the space. So I teased her about it. We had a nice connection. I ran into her several times the next few days there. She said she was addicted to Slurpees. CJ was her name. So we got talking more. She was young and I just enjoyed having a new friend where I didnt know anyone. Nothin’ romantic—she wasn’t much older than my 25 yr. old daughter for cryin’ out loud. We was both living nearby the 7-11.
Pretty soon she was upfront that she’d also been a more serious kinda addict, and had relapsed several times but was now clean for a few years. I’ve had my own issues and could tell she was clean. She hated that she’d burned bridges with all her family and couldn’t win them back. They lost faith in her. She was tough and skinny but didn’t look addicted. She was rooming with an older guy who was protective of her, but not in a weird way. She had me over for dinner and it became a routine we did between my work trips, we’d share dinners. The old guy was always watching me and skeptical. CJ said he talked shit about me, but I didn’t care, I was always just her friend.
She felt really alone in the world, like no one really knew the “new” her. Soon, she also opened up and told me she’d had cervical cancer. And she was really scared about tests coming up. With no family to lean on, I was glad to be around for her. She cried on my shoulder about all the past mistakes, and about being scared about the test results. They finally started to come in, and they verbally told her 99% in remission, pretty sure. Wow! We were so happy! We celebrated as good friends—just embracing and hugs. I never slept with her or nothin’.
It was coming up to Thanksgiving and I felt I needed to be with my kids a bit so I took some work up here in MD again, but CJ and I were tight and kept in touch the whole time, texting everyday several times. One day about noon suddenly she didn’t respond. It didn’t feel right. I kept trying and called. Nothin. It was silent for days. I was worried, but had to work. I never had her old guy roommate’s number, so it took a few weeks to track him down. When I finally got through and asked about CJ, he said: “She killed herself!” I was devastated!”
As we rolled his tow truck into the edge of Hagerstown, Barry wiped his eyes.
“I mean, I couldn’t believe it! I felt so guilty and terrible all around! And just so sad! I couldn’t even imagine what she felt or had happened...” His voice got soft. “It was already weeks later and I had to hold my job and there seemed nothin I could do. I’ve had eating disorders my whole life and had it in check for a long while but after that I stopped eating for five days straight. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t work. Finally had to go to the ER and rehab before I was able to get myself back on track. I was miserable and so confused.
Holidays passed and I was a little better. Outta the blue one day I got a cell call that said “Florida” number. I usually never pick up outta state, but somethin’ told me I should. There was this raspy voice I couldn’t understand. I kept trying to hear it and finally I heard: “This is your girl!” I said what? Which one? “How many girlfriends you friiggin’ got!” Then I finally figured out it was CJ! I was in shock shaking and started crying! I finally said they told me you was dead! She said, “Who would say that?!” I told her and she started bawlin’. We cried and cried. But we were also SO happy! I got down there as soon as I could.
A tumor had been missed and grown undetected for weeks. She went from a bad pain one morning to an internal bleeding rupture. They med-vacked her and gave her 6 units of blood. More when it landed at the hospital even before moving her. She went into a coma and flat-lined several times. 26 units of blood altogether just to keep her going. When she called me they’d just taken the breathing tube out and her first words were “Gimme my phone I gotta call Barry!” That’s why her voice was so raspy and I didn’t know it was her!
I stayed right with her from then on. She was a physical wreck, but she got better. Enough that we got to get her to my apt. I looked after her everyday. She got a little better. But then she kept saying something doesn’t feel right. I told her she was just scared. But she sensed it. Sure enough the cancer had come back and suddenly they gave her two months. She only got three weeks.” (He wipes his eyes as we pull into the parking lot.) “Her fucking family didn’t show until the last few days. I got mad at them! I kinda lost it. She’d begged and begged them to take her in again for years after she was clean! But no! Hospice was already there before they were! I was with her when she died— she was rail thin.
So I came back here again, about two months ago. It was real hard at first, but I’m doing okay. And I know in my heart we were supposed to connect. Here’s what she looked like when I first met her.” {I look at his phone and see a beautiful young woman in her late twenties, with a childish smile.}
“Anyways I had to find a way to just go on. And turns out I met someone here now. Someone I’ve actually known for years, heard I was back. She says she always liked me and wanted to be with me but stayed clear because I was married. We get along real good. She’s got four kids! Her one son’s autistic and his awful dad abused him. How can people be that way?! He normally don’t like men, but he likes me. Little by little each of her kids has told their mom they like me. That makes me feel real good cause I really like them all. I just try to be a good person and do what’s right. Mom’s cautious and wants to know if I’m gonna stick around—but I’ve already gotten so attached to her and the kids I feel like their my family. Even her HS daughter told Mom last week “Barry’s good. I hope he stays with us.” it’s like my second chance. It’s all I want. I’m not plannin’ on goin’ anywheres. This is it for me.”
He drops me off at a car rental and since I can’t hug him in the cab, I hold both his hands and thank him for sharing, and for being just who he is, and for this amazing gift that he passed to me: to listen to our hearts and do our best to honor everyone we love, as our shared time is lessened everyday. Tell them you love them, mean it, hug them, celebrate our precious time being together in this moment, while you can.
The ride up to Smithsburg, MD for me is always filled with the anticipation of fun times and good energy. In large part because it means I’m going to visit my dear friends Sarah Polzin and David Gibney who offer both. Last Saturday began that way. I’ve happily made the trip numerous times. David was holding a reception in Hagerstown for a wonderful new body of art work that I’ve had the pleasure to see evolve over many years. We have been good friends on our shared art journey for over three decades now, which has naturally included many life journeys: through losses, new relationships, new body parts, deaths, divorces, marriages, and many joys and adventures intermixed. While we both have had our struggles, we’ve become trusted supports for each other along the way, which is its own very special joy. I’ve always loved David’s attitude: embracing challenges, courageously forging ahead even when things don’t go as hoped, always assisting others, and trying to savor the best in each moment. I love him, and for years we’ve ended all communication telling each other so, and truly meaning it. It pains me to consider some avoid this word or have come to fear this emotion.
After smoothly cruising 233 miles, as I pulled within two miles of their home, my warning lights on my 20 year old Volvo declared “Transmission needs servicing.” Not happy news. When we sorted out the code the following day it was clear the car’s tranny was dying and I needed a tow to a mechanic. After a lengthy AAA wait, a fellow named Barry (changed his name here out of respect) arrived and was apologetic for the delay, his previous tow was apparently “a nightmare.” I had nowhere to go, as Sarah & David’s beautiful home is a sort of artist’s idyllic dream space, so I was fine. I hopped into his truck’s cab once the old Volvo was on the rollback and we headed on the 30 minute trek to the mechanic.
I innocently asked Barry where he was from; for the next half hour his unexpected gift to me unfolded. “Oh—I’m from here but only been back two months. I was in Fl. You see,” (perhaps sensing I was really listening and interested) “the thing is my 28 year marriage ended two years ago. Nothing I could do to stop it. I tried. It killed me. So I decided I had to get away for a bit. See, I’m a trucker and heard there was work in FL so I went. Didn’t even know anyone where I settled, but I knew I could get work. Done it for decades.”
I was in the 7-11 and this lady was blocking the Slurpee machine, taking up all the space. So I teased her about it. We had a nice connection. I ran into her several times the next few days there. She said she was addicted to Slurpees. CJ was her name. So we got talking more. She was young and I just enjoyed having a new friend where I didnt know anyone. Nothin’ romantic—she wasn’t much older than my 25 yr. old daughter for cryin’ out loud. We was both living nearby the 7-11.
Pretty soon she was upfront that she’d also been a more serious kinda addict, and had relapsed several times but was now clean for a few years. I’ve had my own issues and could tell she was clean. She hated that she’d burned bridges with all her family and couldn’t win them back. They lost faith in her. She was tough and skinny but didn’t look addicted. She was rooming with an older guy who was protective of her, but not in a weird way. She had me over for dinner and it became a routine we did between my work trips, we’d share dinners. The old guy was always watching me and skeptical. CJ said he talked shit about me, but I didn’t care, I was always just her friend.
She felt really alone in the world, like no one really knew the “new” her. Soon, she also opened up and told me she’d had cervical cancer. And she was really scared about tests coming up. With no family to lean on, I was glad to be around for her. She cried on my shoulder about all the past mistakes, and about being scared about the test results. They finally started to come in, and they verbally told her 99% in remission, pretty sure. Wow! We were so happy! We celebrated as good friends—just embracing and hugs. I never slept with her or nothin’.
It was coming up to Thanksgiving and I felt I needed to be with my kids a bit so I took some work up here in MD again, but CJ and I were tight and kept in touch the whole time, texting everyday several times. One day about noon suddenly she didn’t respond. It didn’t feel right. I kept trying and called. Nothin. It was silent for days. I was worried, but had to work. I never had her old guy roommate’s number, so it took a few weeks to track him down. When I finally got through and asked about CJ, he said: “She killed herself!” I was devastated!”
As we rolled his tow truck into the edge of Hagerstown, Barry wiped his eyes.
“I mean, I couldn’t believe it! I felt so guilty and terrible all around! And just so sad! I couldn’t even imagine what she felt or had happened...” His voice got soft. “It was already weeks later and I had to hold my job and there seemed nothin I could do. I’ve had eating disorders my whole life and had it in check for a long while but after that I stopped eating for five days straight. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t work. Finally had to go to the ER and rehab before I was able to get myself back on track. I was miserable and so confused.
Holidays passed and I was a little better. Outta the blue one day I got a cell call that said “Florida” number. I usually never pick up outta state, but somethin’ told me I should. There was this raspy voice I couldn’t understand. I kept trying to hear it and finally I heard: “This is your girl!” I said what? Which one? “How many girlfriends you friiggin’ got!” Then I finally figured out it was CJ! I was in shock shaking and started crying! I finally said they told me you was dead! She said, “Who would say that?!” I told her and she started bawlin’. We cried and cried. But we were also SO happy! I got down there as soon as I could.
A tumor had been missed and grown undetected for weeks. She went from a bad pain one morning to an internal bleeding rupture. They med-vacked her and gave her 6 units of blood. More when it landed at the hospital even before moving her. She went into a coma and flat-lined several times. 26 units of blood altogether just to keep her going. When she called me they’d just taken the breathing tube out and her first words were “Gimme my phone I gotta call Barry!” That’s why her voice was so raspy and I didn’t know it was her!
I stayed right with her from then on. She was a physical wreck, but she got better. Enough that we got to get her to my apt. I looked after her everyday. She got a little better. But then she kept saying something doesn’t feel right. I told her she was just scared. But she sensed it. Sure enough the cancer had come back and suddenly they gave her two months. She only got three weeks.” (He wipes his eyes as we pull into the parking lot.) “Her fucking family didn’t show until the last few days. I got mad at them! I kinda lost it. She’d begged and begged them to take her in again for years after she was clean! But no! Hospice was already there before they were! I was with her when she died— she was rail thin.
So I came back here again, about two months ago. It was real hard at first, but I’m doing okay. And I know in my heart we were supposed to connect. Here’s what she looked like when I first met her.” {I look at his phone and see a beautiful young woman in her late twenties, with a childish smile.}
“Anyways I had to find a way to just go on. And turns out I met someone here now. Someone I’ve actually known for years, heard I was back. She says she always liked me and wanted to be with me but stayed clear because I was married. We get along real good. She’s got four kids! Her one son’s autistic and his awful dad abused him. How can people be that way?! He normally don’t like men, but he likes me. Little by little each of her kids has told their mom they like me. That makes me feel real good cause I really like them all. I just try to be a good person and do what’s right. Mom’s cautious and wants to know if I’m gonna stick around—but I’ve already gotten so attached to her and the kids I feel like their my family. Even her HS daughter told Mom last week “Barry’s good. I hope he stays with us.” it’s like my second chance. It’s all I want. I’m not plannin’ on goin’ anywheres. This is it for me.”
He drops me off at a car rental and since I can’t hug him in the cab, I hold both his hands and thank him for sharing, and for being just who he is, and for this amazing gift that he passed to me: to listen to our hearts and do our best to honor everyone we love, as our shared time is lessened everyday. Tell them you love them, mean it, hug them, celebrate our precious time being together in this moment, while you can.
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